inhale exhale

Snippet #1

I was swimming in the Salt Pond the other day having flashbacks of life gone by.First one was of swimming with my then baby girl many, many, moons gone by. I can’t remember where we were swimming,but I can still feel her plumpish,salty arms around my neck and holding my shoulders. Chellie was gurgling and gaggling sounds of delight. After many laps of swimming back and forth,I held her,filled with an indescribable feeling of joy. Not to much can measure up to that. I can still see the slick,reddish tan tinge of sun on her  shiny, wet, cheeks offset by her twinkling baby blues. The baby blues still twinkle to this day and I continue to own that indescribable feeling of joy.Guess thats what’s called motherly love.

  Snippet#2

I was swimming at Big Maho and I had this flashback of my childhood. Winter vacations before age 11 were mostly in Miami Beach. Very early years of staying in many of the hotels along Collins Avenue. The Deauville, Eden Roc, Doral, and Fountainbleu were where my immediate family and my cousins would share many December and March vacations. Great fun poolside,oceanside and inside! We nightclubbed it hearing the Supremes, Sammy Davis Jr, Smothers Brothers and Don Rickles. The Fountainbleu even had a skating rink. There were also years when my Uncle Seymour had his boat docked outside the hotel. During one of those boat rides along the Intercoastal, Mimi put peroxide in Cindy’s hair for more sunkissed streaks. I was so proud of my big brother.He would be so tanned and handsome hooking up with all those pretty girls.There was one time when were in Miami and the Beatles were staying in the same hotel we were in.My brother was mistaken for Ringo! I thought that was just the cats meow.

Snippet #3

I was swimming at Lameshur and I had a flashback of my honeymoon spent 30 years ago on the other side of this magnificent island. The resort we stayed in required jackets for dinner. My husband,brown and handsome with a blue blazer,seersucker pants gazing at me adoringly as I dressed for dinner. We dined  beachside, candlelight,  the perfect St. John sea right beside us. Perfect…..

It all began with thoughts about elder family members.Very sweet thoughts. A few weeks ago I received a voicemail from my eighty plus year old uncle. He neglected to disconnect from my line and began to talk with my aunt.They were having quite an endearing conversation.The smile on my face grew wider and wider. They don’t always show their sweetest,brightest side to others,but we all know its there.This a very long time second marriage for both of them.They have had very minor health issues deveIop in their later years and I know the fear of what would one do without the other tosses them around.I  must also mention this a very dapper couple.They both don’t look a lot different than they did when I was a kid.My aunt still has way more energy than most people my age.My uncle has become a napper,but he can still hold his own in the pizazz department.That particular voicemail was catalystic in my own thoughts about my relationship as I age.

Just weeks ago, I turned fifty-five and also celebrated thirty years of marriage. Of course,like anything long term,there have been curves in the road,twists,turns,hills and valleys.Like my aunt and uncle,my husband and I have had some very serious issues rear their heads. We have kids. With children come much joy as well as much strife. A good Yiddish word is “tsuris”. Aggravation,woes, some very high on the scale,some not so high.Learning acceptance of one another.A biggie.I know I have some habits that drive my true love absolutely crazy and vice versa. I’ve learned to laugh at some of his and he laughs and mine.I think we both actually have learned to enjoy them. I don’t care how many boats,motorcycles and vehicles he owns. They give him pleasure.He smiles when he gives me boxes from Fedex and UPS. There are things that we don’t smile about,but accept.The only person you can change is yourself. We have learned to give each other lots of space to be who we are.The hills and valleys that have come up through the years have been real zingers,but we work through it with help and love.

How do you keep the love alive during a long time relationship? Taking each day as it comes and never saying,”i’ll never “….cause ya’ never know what what you will.I do know that when I was walking my dogs by the water this morning, I was having thoughts about we’ve created together. Our life.We couldn’t have done it solo. A child,dogs that are here and dogs that have gone,family members here and gone, friends here and gone,homes here and gone,memories and lots of cars,boats and motorcycles. We are not people who can fit into a stereotypical mold. Along with  acceptance,creativity,passion and tolerance play an important role in our lives.Love me as I am.I really don’t know whats are around the bend,but I know we’ll take it as it comes. We aren’t perfect. The imperfection in and of itself leads to keeping things interesting. I can clearly state that our life has never been boring.There have been times when I would like some quiet,maybe a tinge of boring. Life keeps us on our toes.Like I said,never boring.If it ever gets too,too exciting,there is always help to get to back to calm waters.Just have to know who to ask!

My very dear friend who also happens to be a MASTER GARDENER tells me every summer,”don’t plant the tomatoes until after Mothers Day.” I listen..Year after year I have the most delicious fruit which I wait for with great anticipation. I love summer tomatoes.My plants in past years have been very kind to me with the tomatoes of my dreams.Not this year.I have straggly,scraggly plants with not so much fruit.I usually have so many tomatoes I swear i’ve gone to tomato heaven.I ask around,I look around.I see other plants in full sun,the same sun as mine, with lush green leaves,bushy beyond words,filled with those red balls of joy.I’m downright envious as I secretly wait to be asked if I would like some tomatoes.They have so many they don’t know what to do with them all.Well,I know what to do,but nobody’s asking.Caprese salad,tomato gratin,margherita pie,tomato soup,tomato sauce and,plain sliced tomatoes.My all time favorite a whole big boy with some sea salt.Poor me,not this year,not from my plants.I do have a pumpkin and a cantaloupe!!! My first time.

What’s home to you? I was recently asked that question and it keeps reappearing in my mind.Home is way more than where I receive my mail.I share my physical home with my husband,dogs,family heirlooms. My daughter has lived on her own for quite a while now,but I consider her home..My Yoga mat most anywhere,paddleboard,a boat on a calm day,all home.My home has not always been a peaceful place,but its always felt like a safe haven. A boat on choppy water is not a place I choose to be,but,with the right people onboard I’m home. I get off the ferry in St.John and feel like a return to home. I’ve stayed in many a hotel and some feel like home.I do my best to set up a comfy nest when I’m away from homebase.There are people who are always in my heart,friends that I see regularly and those that I don’t see for long periods of time.They are all part of my home.The emotions,the feelings, some happy, some not so happy, the smile as well as the tears they bring to my face all home.Home is love.

So what do you do when life sends you lemons? You got it….you make lemonades! Life has been a little twisty these days.I’m not quite sure what the next moment brings,what will be the next challenge.Many years ago a friend who was divorcing said,”don’t ever say it can’t get worse, cause there is always something else.” Wise words from a wise woman.The cycle might dictate more, more, more.More complications.More opportunity for building coping skills.More opportunity for looking inside and letting the choice that can be shameful sit for a bit,not act on it and then let it go.I’m a list maker.The pros and the cons.The vengeful list and the list that allows me to move on with dignity and grace and yes,some sadness,sorrow and loss.The latter list also being the empowering list,that which provides me with a vast knowledge of what not to repeat.

To the mat,to the cushion,to the couch or in my case,chair, I go.I bring everything to my yoga mat.I learn to move with the challenge and beyond the doubt.To the cushion I sit and allow the thoughts to be and simply stay with my breath.I fill my body up with warm soothing inhales and and exhale with more space and freedom in my mind,body and spirit.I stay on the cushion and I pray.My prayers have a lot to do with a repartee with my Higher Power silently talking and letting the answer come to me in the stillness. On to the chair….a person I tell every last detail ……All of it….. and once again I get to hear through words what I’ve said and we work on how I proceed…

Please don’t get the impression that I’m able to make it all be better meaning work it out the way I have would like it to end.There really is no end,There is usually acceptance that alchemizes into a feeling of melting away of the vengeful attitude and moving on.I ache to make things copasetic for people I love. I realize its all out of my hands.I practice,practice,practice.Yes all is coming. Do I ever really arrive? There’s always more grist for the mill.Grandma Mary said,”Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Slowly…

…when I can’t sleep. I begin breathing deeply,”semi-pranayamic”.I relax as I listen to the wind and the waves. Rocky,my Golden,and I partake in our version of dogspeak.We both listen to Bruno,the Frenchie and my husband peacefully make their own sweet sleep sounds.

The music starts.The music in my brain. First,hits from long ago.

Motown Sound:

Come See About Me

Stop In The Name Of Love

I’m Gonna Make You Love Me

Keep The Ball Rollin

Rock and Roll:

Layla

Gimme Shelter

Jumpin Jack Flash

the new Robbie Roberston cd  Eric Clapton is all over it! i’m positively addicted!

the new Paul Simon cd

Is it possible to wear out a download?

Oy,great music but not so good for sleep. Moving on,composing Yoga classes,themes and sequences.The wind is kicking up even more. I’m having upcoming daughter wedding thoughts. I guess I’ll read a bit.And pray. And zen. And telepathically have an overdue chat with a friend who I keep playing telephone tag. Thoughts of an old friend.And pray.And zen. Check e-mail. Read the Times.

I’ll try again. 

Good Night Sweetheart,thats what my father used to sing to me at bedtime.

Good Night Sweetheart,Good Night

I can always count on St. John to breathe new life into me. From the moment I’m off the ferry driving to the other end of the island, my brain releases.My forehead lines relax,my eyes soften,the pores in my skin open and so it goes. I take in the periwinkle sky,the turquoise sea,the greenery of the vegetation and the humidity dissolves  the hardness of a particularly cold,snowy northeast winter.That blessed island is my Yoga.

Daily langurous swims in the Carribean,sunbathing,some snorkling and hiking became my Yoga. My usual practice became more restorative. The effects of my daily sitting meditation became more apparent way after was I was sitting.The awarenesses reared their heads as I experienced my day.

This was a vacation of forging new friendships, lending support,of welcoming.This was a vacation of some special beginings.I was fortunate to watch and do what I could to help someone overcome a fear.I was fortunate to see my daughter’s eyes glisten hours after she became engaged to her true love. I was fortunate to see my future son-in-law look adoringly at my child. My family has expanded to include some really great people.

St. John also allows me to see that, yes, I have made choices that weren’t always considered “right” by the norm. I’ve never been the norm type of gal.The forks in the road I’ve taken have,however,allowed me to become a better me. My journey has been one of enlightening me and being a better me to those who I touch. As its said on the great island “stay Left”.I’m getting reading to go to another special place to be with some more special people who might teach me to veer a bit more to center.Its all good even through some inevitable pain. Stay the course.

It happened yesterday.From the mouths of babes.My daughter reminded me in her not so gentle way to stop gossiping.She then said I could gossip with her,but not anybody else.Like a dagger in my heart. I suppose I’m allowed to  take part in the act with her because she feeIs confident in her ability to maintain its privacy. Gossip is a hot topic these days.I read about, hear about it, and talk about it. When is it gossip and when is it not?

I never tell tall tales,never maliciously slander, and I’m so reluctant to state, that I don’t begin the repartee. Is it gossip if you’re discussing with a close friend somebody’s behavior? Is it gossip if you’re trying to understand a difficulty in a relationship? Is it gossip if you’re obtaining information about someone that you’re entering in a potential business liason?

I’m under the impression that gossip was when private information was divulged,when truths become lies by embellishment about someone or when there was a tone of negativity attached to the subject.

I can own seeking help in my ability to understand another and sorting things out discreetly with a friend. I can own commenting when somebody claims to believe one way and acts completely differently. I can own that I am not perfect.I can clearly state that I don’t know anybody else that’s perfect either. Thank God for that. Our imperfections either draw us together or keep us apart.Imperfections have forged beautiful relationships in my life as well as saved me from great pain by allowing me to walk away from major toxicity.

Everyday I learn more about whats right and  whats wrong for me. Sometimes it can be hurtful for those I love,but we figure it out. We put one foot in front of the other and work our way through muddy waters at times and find the beauty at the other side.

Gossip,still not so clear cut……

Boy oh boy its been a cold one, and colder on the way. I find myself rounding,hunching, and squeezing myself to stay warm. The winter’s yin always sends me inside myself.I hunker down and find myself looking at….well….me. I have this tendency to be looking at how and why I tick,but at this time of the year I am so there. 

The Yamas and the Niyamas are the the first limb of Ashtanga Yoga. The Niyamas are the Observances or as I once heard the interpretation as “codes for living soulfully.” They aren’t goals but lay the foundation for living a life that allows freedom. Similar to the Golden Rule,the blueprint for allowing us to be happy,joyous and free.

Svadhyaya or Swadhyaya is self study.Learning who I am and tweaking always tweaking. My picture is never complete, always work to do.The key for me is to not isolate and do this work alone.I think its important to share all the findings with a someone or a something. I can always find the stuff I want to change,but what about the stuff I want to keep? I depend on my somebody to decipher whats what. That somebody can be a friend,therapist,sangha. What I need to have is a sense of deep trust.I am always building upon my spiritual connection.The relationship between who I can see and touch and who I cannot see and touch,but feel.

That said,I begin to relax my shoulders,lenghten my spine,breath deeply,allow my heart to open and feel warmer.I return to my gratitude for Yoga. The physicality of the postures paved the path, I wanted more.I always want more. Thanks to svadhyaya I know that.I received more, way more than I ever thought was possible.I have seen it happen again and again.People come to the physical practice and grow into seeking more than just that.Yoga is so much more than just that. If it clicks it clicks and life is so much better.I just want everybody to try it. Come through the door by wanting to learn meditation or enter through the postures.Doesn’t matter.

Back to winter,its not so bad.I layer on the clothes and go from there. I appreciate the sunshine,the silent beauteous snowfall,the days off and the reflection.   Even when I’m complaining about all of it! I look at and I wait and I go forward.None of it is easy for me,but, I have lots of help.

I

My first introduction to meditation practice was when I was in college thirty six years ago.Those were the days of TM,Transcendental Meditation.The Guru was Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.I was given my mantra which I diligently used for the next five years.I’ve always been the committed type to that “body mind” thing and meditation was no different.My big obstacle as years went by was that I was a child of the times experimenting with the times.I had the tendency to care very much about what I instilled in my body,mind and spirit,yet,at the same time,was quite destructive to that very state. 

I became healthier as time went by and along with growing older,began to make better life enhancing choices.My Yoga practice which began longer ago than college became more and more important.The meditation grew to be more of a stumbling block to me for many years of my yoga practice.I found it impossible to be still.My mind was like a commercial.There wasn’t much focus or serenity in the sitting part.I felt that I wasn’t getting”it”.Not getting “it” is something I hear so much from my students.They say they just can’t focus.Monkey Mind swinging from one thought to the next.My interest in Yoga for more years than I care to admit was really on the physicality. I,did,however,continue to sit.Truth be told,I felt frustrated and less of a Yogi because I couldn’t still my mind.

Now,many years later,I can still my mind much of the time,but,not all of the time.The difference is there isn’t judgement anymore.I’ve released the self judgement and criticism and I sit and I sit and I sit.Today,this is a practice I need to do.The way I need to breathe ,I need to to meditate.My meditation has become more important to me than my asana practice.There are days that I can swim,walk,paddleboard and kayak.I might not practice asana seven days a week.Yoga is all about balance.Inner balance.There are days when its better for me to do something physical other than asana.There aren’t any days when I don’t meditate.

I’ve practiced all kinds of structured meditation,Vipassana,Metta,counting breaths,Trataka.The best instruction given to me and the best tip I can pass on is simple.Sit and breathe.Just sit there.The thoughts will come and go and come again and go again….Take note of what comes and move on to the next breath.Don’t attempt to make it a story.Just let it be.Let the thoughts,the sensations,the breath just be. It takes as long as it takes and every day is different.Stay the course and get to allow yourself the gift of experiencing the space,the freedom,and the transformation that is yours.Just sit and breathe.I quote Ram Dass,”be here now”.Find your seat literally and internally.More shall be revealed.